Letting Go and Other Horrible Parenting Obstacles

Here’s a fun scenario: Mom gives birth to three children in five years. Baby/toddler/preschool years go by in a blur of sleep deprivation and chaos. Elementary years are full of soccer practice and field trips, permission slips and reading logs. Suddenly, tiny humans are almost adults, taking up space and having opinions, opinions that clash with the ones Mom (or Dad) has held dear. Mom is faced with a challenge: does she examine her deeply held beliefs to see things her children’s way or cling tightly to the dreams she has of molding her children into carbon copies of herself and make everyone miserable?

We do that as parents. Whether we admit it or not, we want our children to become like us. To hold onto the same beliefs that we do- big things like faith and values and small things like whether the Disney World is the happiest place on earth. The journey of parenthood is a journey of letting go- the well discussed letting go of a child growing up and leaving home, but also letting go of the expectations and dreams we have of who we will be as a family, who our children will be and how their lives will play out. This letting go is just as gradual as the growing up kind, but it’s not something we talk about.

We aren’t supposed to talk about that kind of letting go. It has whiffs of control freak, helicopter parents and all the things we’re not supposed to be. We’re supposed to let our children blossom into the people they are going to be without any concern to our own pain or feelings. But even the most enlightened parents will face this struggle.

There’s an essay by Emily Perl Kingsley called Welcome to Holland that was written about the experience of raising a child with disabilities that I think every parent can relate to in some small way. In the essay, Kinglsey likens the experience of raising a child with disabilities with that of planning a luxury, dream vacation to Italy, boarding the plane and then discovering that you actually land in Holland. Holland is lovely, but it’s not what you were dreaming of. It’s not what you planned for. You’re too overwhelmed with the challenges and changes of arriving in Holland, completely unprepared to appreciate the beauty that Holland has to offer. I believe every parent spends some time in Holland, whether they acknowledge this or not.

We might have dreamed of our children being athletes like we were as kids, only to discover they are more interested in chasing butterflies than a ball. Or we may dream of children who love to read, who are curious academically only to have children with little interest in school or books. It may be something as life altering as a diagnosis- whether a devastating disease or physical or mental health challenge that we had never anticipated. Whatever it is, our Holland days are also grieving days, even if that grieving is a personal thing. We don’t say out loud that we are grieving our kid’s lack of soccer skills. We’d never share on social media that we are sad that our 13-year-old is barely making it through 8th grade and will likely never go to college, the thing we’ve dreamed for them since they were born. In our highlight reel culture, these are not things meant for social media. But we have to find some way to grieve, to express the loss of a dream even if it is a silly dream, something superficial.

I have sometimes needed a minute to sit with my kids’ truths over the years- these little griefs and losses of our imagining who our children will turn out to be keep coming, whether we’re ready or not. That’s all it takes- a little time to acknowledge if only to ourselves that things are not what we had dreamed they would be. Sometimes, it’s as fleeting as finally giving away the dollhouse that you had saved for your daughter, only to discover she was more interested in playing in the dirt than dolls. Other times, we need to talk with a trusted friend or spouse to process the loss. The point is to process the grief, however small and move towards embracing the reality of who your child is in this moment in time.

I believe that our children are fully themselves from the moment they are born. We do not really shape them as much as we want to believe. On our best parenting days, we point the way and help them process the world so that they can become functioning adults, prepared for all the heart ache and joy that comes with adulthood. The greatest mistake we can make as parents is to parent the child we dreamed of instead of the child we have. I have seen the heartbreak for both parent and child when this happens, in big and small ways. We all have. Letting go of our visions and dreams for the reality is always better. Better for us and most importantly, better for our children.

My greatest dream for my children and our family has always been that we remain close as they grow up and leave us. In my imagination, that dream looks like multi-generation adventures, family celebrations of all types and lots of laughter around the table. But I’m holding this dream loosely. I don’t want to hold onto any expectations for what a close relationship will mean. I’m trusting that by letting go of the lost dreams and ideas I once had, I will make room for a beautiful future, whatever that looks like.